Beginning Foster Care

After much pondering and prayer, we feel as though we should become foster parents. After making the careful decision many months ago to begin this journey, we are on the brink of receiving our license and are super excited. I'm writing this post as a sort of open journal to express some of my feelings and experiences so far.

My initial interest in fostering was at book club when someone mentioned that there is a long waiting list of children looking for foster homes in our area. Something inside of me whispered "You could do that. You really could do that. In fact, you have no valid reason not to do that." And then a series of events continued to confirm that this is what the Lord would have us do now, at this stage in our life. Several months later I found myself searching out how to do it.

Just knowing how to begin to certify for foster care was, honestly, very frustrating. I began by contacting private agencies, and contacted so many different ones who would promise to follow up if I did _____ (sent them my phone number, emailed my schedule for an interview, confirmed my address, etc.), and every single time, they ended up dropping the ball. One agency did pick it back up and emailed me back a month after my last email, and explained that our training would begin in a month, for 9 weeks, every Saturday for 3 hours in a town that is 2.5 hours away, and that child care would not be provided. In other words, 8 hours, insane commute, and child care for 2.5 months. We might have, maybe, somehow managed to find trustworthy Saturday childcare and open Saturdays for 10 weeks straight, but thankfully by the time they returned my email, we had already begun to certify with the Navajo Tribe. We have a case worker in a town just an hour away who arranges as many meetings and trainings as possible in our town and is so kind and patient. Things are turning out well and our license is pending somewhere beyond our social worker and us (in the paperwork department) and we are hopeful that it clears soon. We know that there are a lot of children that need homes and I try not to feel guilty for having extra beds, space, time, love, etc. that I'm not yet able to share.

We are going to foster babies/toddlers only, and are going to start with only one foster child. Our social worker will call us and we can ask as many questions we want to about each specific child before committing to giving them care, to make sure that we can truly meet their needs, that everyone will feel safe, etc.

Because of the fact that most (probably all) of the children we foster are going to be Native American, the likelihood of us being able to adopt any of the children that we adopt is very, very slim (due to a law called ICWA). I know that the law exists for a reason and have heard many opinions for and against it. I'm not planning to advocate for nor against any laws, but just acknowledge them and their affect on me. It still does not change the fact that there are children in foster care that need a safe home, and we have one with plenty of room, resources, and love to offer. Perhaps in the future we will look more into other options for adoption from foster care, but for now we really feel like we're making the right decision for our family at this point in our lives.

I've heard that it is very difficult to foster when you know you won't be adopting the child, and I don't doubt that it is. I've also heard of problems in the foster care system, from bad social workers (which thankfully we don't seem to have) to bad upper-management (which I have no clue about) to children getting lost in care (which, again, I don't know). Sometimes people bring these up to me. I am going to stick with the same opinion expressed before: I know the system is not perfect and I cannot change it. But I also know that there are children in it that need loving care in a safe home, which is something we can do.

I've also begun to read a few personal articles/blog entries that I've enjoyed. Giving the Baby Back is one that is helping me prepare mentally and emotionally to love a child with everything even, when you know you probably won't have them forever. Here are the quotes that most stuck out to me:

People ask how I can stand to give the babies back - I wonder how the parents can stand to be away from their babies. I cannot even imagine handing my baby to a complete stranger. I am rooting for them. I want them to succeed, and to have their baby home with them.[...]

For the most part (and yes, there are always exceptions, but for the most part) babies don't go back to parents until the parents have gone through an exhaustive process to regain custody. If only every parent had to meet these standards before bringing their baby home. Parents who get their kids back from foster care have made some serious effort. [...]

Every child deserves to be someone's priority. Being a foster parent is being the one person in the world who puts this child first. Sometimes because the parents can't. Sometimes because they won't. I have no control over whether they want to be parents, and I can't help people who can't help themselves. All I know is that as long as a baby is with me, that baby is my priority.  

Our social worker has explained to us that we are not the child's parents, and we need to remember that. We can't change their haircut, their name, or even their food preferences (she said that if we're vegan we can't force them to be). She told us to think of fostering as long-term babysitting.

Another article that made me think, and also made me laugh is 10 Awkward Situations that I've Faced as a Foster Parent. It's also helped me prepare for such situations that I, honestly, didn't even consider would be a part of the life of a foster parent. The one that stood out the most was:

Riding the train with a 2 year-old holding a giant bag of chips and soda

I can't control what a mom decides to feed and gift her child with during family visits.  Oftentimes this means riding the train home with a 2 year-old holding a giant bag of chips, soda, handfuls of candy bars and french fries.  I get some pretty ugly stares.

While of course it is heart breaking that children need to come into foster care in the first place, we are very excited to be able to help those children who, for whatever reason, are in care. I absolutely love being a stay-at-home (or work-from-home) mom and can already see the benefits of it in my sweet little boy, but our house often feels too quiet, too calm. If we had it our way we'd have 2 if not 3 wonderful children by now. Foster care is not intended as a quick fix for all the holes in my heart created from recurrent miscarriages, but it is a way for our family to fill the quietness in our home and to serve in the process.