Trials and Heartbreak

I was hoping to write a happy blog post, but I feel the need to share our most recent heartbreak. Last week, Lyle and I found out that we are going to suffer a fifth miscarriage. I am about 6-7 weeks pregnant, but through various blood work and several ultrasounds, the doctors concluded that the baby has stopped growing and I will certainly miscarry it. It never even developed a heartbeat. It just stopped growing around 5-6 weeks, and is referred to as a "blighted ovum."

Our last miscarriage was devastating. This loss has been a surprising heartbreak. We tried dozens and dozens of "could-helps," such as avoiding BPA, progesterone cream, modified bedrest, dietary changes, organic gardening, waiting longer between pregnancies, and more. None of it seemed to make a difference. People lovingly have offered advice as to what we "could have" done, but most of it really wouldn't have made a difference. I did find an OB willing to do more testing to look for a reason, and if he can't find it, we'll plan to go to a fertility specialist to help us. He did give me a little hope, which I honestly needed.

Church today was the perfect boost, and in a meeting before church, our Bishop shared a quote that he didn't know I needed to hear:

“Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everylasting benefit.”
― Richard G. Scott

It tied together with the closing words of the song from sacrament meeting, I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go (which I absolutely blubbered through):

So trusting my all to Thy tender care, and knowing Thou lovest me; I'll do Thy will with a heart sincere; I'll be what You want me to be.

One thing that all of these trials have done is to help me understand a little better others who are suffering much more than me. It has also helped me to feel overwhelmed with the outpouring of love from our family and friends when such trials come.

I don't know what the Lord intends for me to become through these trials. More compassionate? More understanding? Stronger? Whatever it is...I hope I'm becoming it - maybe even enough to find a cure from so many future pregnancy losses? :-)