Countless Earthly Angels

I often don't remember my dreams, but when I do they are typically very strange, random, not noteworthy at all, and therefore are soon forgotten. Those rare times when I wake up and am very focused on a dream or feel that it was significant, I try to take a few minutes to jot it down (often as a draft text in my cell phone) and then think about it for a minute before going back to sleep or starting my day. I later try to write them in my journal, maybe share them with L., and then typically keep them to myself.

Several months ago, there was one such dream that really stood out to me. It was an action movie -type dream and I was trying to escape from a very dangerous scenario. The thing that really surprised me was the fact that in just about every difficulty I found myself in, just about around every corner, there was somebody waiting and ready to help me get out of my hardship, often surprising me in the process.

Upon waking up from this dream, I spent an unusual amount of time thinking about it. I felt in my heart as though there were a message for me to learn, so I wrote it down, prayed about it, and pondered. The strong impression came, and has never left, that there are endless people here - many may even be unknown or unexpected - that are ready and willing to help us in our trials, especially in our family's trial of trying to welcome another precious son or daughter into our family. Obviously family and close friends have been supportive, with numberless prayers, listening ears, advise. Then there is our angelic, overworked case worker, who strives so hard to help so many and had just finished doing the last of many things to help us receive our foster care license. There is the many medical staff that had been so helpful and hopeful with each pregnancy, so kind and gentle with each miscarriage, and I also felt that the staff at the fertility specialist's office would be included. My feelings have not been wrong. If anything, they were understated.

I had been unsure about visiting the fertility specialist for many reasons. Mostly, I wasn't sure how much I fit the description "infertile" since I was technically conceiving, which I thought was a fertility specialist's primary focus, so could he really help me? Secondly, the nearest fertility specialist was over 5 hours away, requiring a long trip, big gas bill, an overnight stay, and a huge inconvenience in general for every.single.appointment. I also wasn't sure how much he could really help, since consistently doctors could not diagnose anything with me. Finally, my insurance does not cover infertility treatments, and upon calling the office, just the initial visit (no tests, labs, etc. - just the consultation) would be $300 out of pocket. Everything else would be several thousand more. Yet I felt as though things would work out, being reminded that there were countless people wanting to help me out. From that first visit on, the office was able to bill my visits as consultations for recurrent pregnancy loss (rather than for infertility) and most of the tests, consultations, and procedures ended up being covered by my insurance! Many of the medications were not, but even still those months were the rare times that my insurance was paying more in bills than I was in premiums. In the end, all the procedures, labs, bloodwork, consultations, etc... everything came back negative and they couldn't find out what was wrong (surprise surprise). But, the fertility specialist was able to look at my history and tendencies of each pregnancy, make an educated guess, rule out possibilities based on the labs, and give me medications and advise to help try once more. He let me choose, but recommended that I try right away (just two months after my previous, devastating miscarriage).

After much prayer and thought with L., we decided to give it a try. Only two months later, I was able to become pregnant and then held my breath. I needed weekly bloodwork drawn to monitor my pregnancy growth, hormones, etc. so that if something did go wrong, they could pinpoint exactly when. The medical assistants at the fertility office were able and willing to email me PDF lab orders and directions so I did not have to drive so far every week (more countless angels trying to help), but the nearest lab was 2 hours away, requiring a day off of work and a babysitter for D. just to get poked for 3 minutes. I held my breath and called a local-ish clinic, and the lab agreed to do my work! (More countless angels!) They were able to give me the results within a day, which the fertility assistants would interpret immediately. Week 4 - great numbers...Week 5, a little too high actually...I worry for a constant week that I have a molar pregnancy (not good)...Week 6/7, Flagstaff is able to give me an ultrasound and consultation (another angel), my dear friend can pick up D. from preschool and watch him while I'm out of town (another angel), and right before the ultrasound, my toughened self is ready to splurge on comfort food while crying the entire 2.5 hours home (if there is bad news) when...the ultrasound tech sees a heartbeat. She sees a heartbeat! She can hear a heartbeat! I CAN SEE AND HEAR A HEALTHY BABY!!! She sees no complication, tells me it looks very healthy, and I immediately start crying. I had become so protective of my emotions that I wouldn't allow myself to truly believe that what we hoped for would happen. Yet it did. Then, Week 9, we were in the Phoenix area and a doctor I had often visited there (he and his assistant are definitely more angels, as they are willing to see me whenever I happen to be in town) was able to do another ultrasound and...this is what he saw:

A very healthy baby, wiggling around and growing perfectly, with no signs of bleeding or other complications! I cannot express the joy and hope that I was finally allowing to enter into my heart. Allow me to share my own Facebook status for my feelings at this time:

The outpouring of love not just on Facebook but from everyone - everyone - has been simply incredible. Literally hundreds and hundreds of people - our family, friends, coworkers, medical staff, neighbors and more - have been so happy, supportive, and willing to help. I can only imagine the thousands upon thousands of heartfelt prayers said on our behalf; please know that they are felt and appreciated. It is sometimes overwhelming as I consider how very many people are in our support system, and how many truly do love us, want us to overcome our infertility, and are willing to whatever they can to support us in that quest. I am a little ashamed to admit that I had begun to give up hope in an effort to guard my emotions, but little by little the Lord has helped to strengthen and help me, and these countless earthly angels have been a wondrous blessing to us. I believe that they will only continue to be a blessing in our lives.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once taught:

[W]hen we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.

Thank you, my dear friends, for being our earthly angels. Words don't quite seem adequate enough to express the gratitude of love that we feel. Thank you.